Why I can’t hate you...

I had a completely different idea that I wanted to do for this week’s blog but life sometimes dumps a bunch of shit on you and plans change. I have not given up my idea because it is fantastic but it will have to wait and you will just have to come back and see what it is.

Had I known that last week when I was writing my post about being fabulous, that my life as I knew was crumbling, I probably wouldn’t have chosen that particular topic. It does make me really stop to think that the universe does know what it is doing because it was that post that gave me the strength to get through this week.

I’m not going to go into any details other than my boyfriend broke up with me and he is moving out. He is also taking with him the greatest dog on the planet but that is a whole other topic.  It was, and still is when I dwell on it, gut wrenching and heart breaking. It’s only been a week so what can I really expect but that. I’d be a fool if I thought it would be anything else.

I’ve never loved anyone like I loved him. He was my best friend and the person I told everything to. The person I was the most comfortable with. That might have been one of the problems. I got too comfortable. I couldn’t see what was really going on. As I look back over the past couple months I can see where things were going and if I have to be completely honest with myself I have to have known that this breakup was inevitable. We are two completely different people going in opposite directions. There are things that I want for my life that he has no interest in. It’s not because he was unsupportive because he was. It is because we are different. We just want different things out of life. Does knowing this make it any easier, no. It hurts and it sucks and no one wants to be alone but there is nothing worse than being alone with someone else. Which is where we were heading and I’m thankful I don’t have those feelings to look back on. I can remember all the good times and how good he made me feel while we were together.  I hope he can look back on our relationship with those same feelings for me and also maybe a little bit of regret for what was lost.  

I guess my point of all this is that I can move on and when I see him there won’t be any hate or anger. I can’t image hating someone that I love so much. I know it happens and I don’t want that to be part of my life. The only person that would hurt is me and I am so much better than that and I deserve better than that. I know that he was put in my life for a reason. I may never know that reason but what I do know is that I wouldn’t change a minute of our time together. It is what helped shape the woman that I am today. He has shown me through his actions and words what kind of woman I want to see and be when I look in the mirror – beautiful, loved, special and confident. That is how I felt when I was with him. Now I just need to see and feel this when it is just me. Because in the end it really is all about how we feel about ourselves that lifts us up or tears us down and right now I want to be lifted up.

So this is why I can’t hate you. You have given me a chance to blossom and be fabulous and do everything that I have been holding back on. You have shown me love and support and given me lots and lots of laughs. I heard someone say once that when the laughter dies, the show is over. I guess for now the laughter died but it is not dead and my show is long from over.