I have always been one of those girls that accepts every invitation presented to her. I use to think it was because I was a social butterfly. I am to an extent but I will also confess that I accepted a lot of those invitations because there would be food and drinks involved. In social situations it is OK to eat and drink whatever you want. It’s OK to go back to the food table over and over again because no one is paying attention. No one is there to judge you, they are all doing the same thing. I would go places to eat and drink when I would rather be home. Food always won.
It’s no secret that I struggle with my weight. It’s no secret that I am fat. What was a secret is that I am addicted to food. Food is my drug of choice. Food makes me feel how no one has ever made me feel before. Food is there for me when I am sad, when I am lonely, when I am happy and when I celebrate. Food has never cheated on me or broke my heart. Food is my companion and it’s been a comfort to me for as long as I can remember. Food to me is the comfort of home and grandma’s house and the joy of childhood. I love food for how it has always made me feel but that feeling was temporary. The feeling of guilt and hate lasts a lot longer than that feeling of love and comfort.
Maybe it’s not a secret but like any addict, I have been in denial about the truth between myself and food. I have used food to destroy my body, my self-esteem and my confidence. I have used food as a coping mechanism and in turn, I will hide food and binge like a junky getting that one last hit. Luckily this addiction has not taken everything, as some addiction do, but it has taken enough. It has robbed me of years of not doing things and holding back because of my weight, years of self-loathing and hating myself and not looking at myself naked in the mirror. It has caused me to seek intimacy with whoever I could and then left wondering what was wrong with me that no one stuck around.
I’ve spent the last year learning to love myself and build up my confidence and self-esteem. I have come leaps and bounds from the woman I was just last year. I have pushed past fear and done things I never thought I’d do but I am capable of so much more. I want so much out of this life and I am sick and tired of allowing food and my weight to control my life. In the end, I know that it’s not foods fault. It was mine and it is time that I stop shifting blame and using food to keep me fat.
I’m not sure when it finally clicked in my mind about what I need to do. I’ve always known what to do, I’ve tried it before and failed. It wasn’t because I wasn’t doing the right thing, it was because I didn’t fully understand what I was dealing with. Weight loss and food addiction are a complete mind fuck and admitting this out in the open is amazingly freeing and the first step I honestly needed to take. It feels crazy because I have a sense of peace like everything is coming together, that I am not a failure. I don’t feel like food has such a strong hold over me as it once did. The grasp it has on me is loosening up. I am not naïve enough to think that from here on out it’s going to be easy and all unicorns and rainbows. It will be anything but easy. What I do know is that I won’t allow food to control my life any longer. I won’t allow food to be my comfort and lonely companion. I will eat to live instead of living to eat. I’ve heard that quote a thousand times and just this moment truly felt and understood what it means. I was living to eat and killing myself and my soul in the process. It’s time to break free of the addiction and the hold that I have allowed food to have over me. It is time that I break up from this toxic relationship once and for all.