I haven’t been very active on my blog for a while. Truth is
I have been hiding and playing the victim card. When I got my thyroid and
Hashimotos diagnosis, I let my mind and self-sabotage take over. I made several
half ass attempts at feeling better and they worked for a hot minute but I then
I would feel sorry for myself and tell myself that if I’m going to be tired,
overweight and a slew of other symptoms, then I might as well just stop trying.
So, I did just that. I stopped walking daily, I stopped eating healthy, I
stopped doing so many things that made me feel good and instead hid away at
home. Tired, fat and lonely. All I needed was to trade my dogs in for cats and
I would’ve had the perfect spinster starter kit.
The thing that I forgot about was when my thyroid was at it
worse, a few months before I was diagnosed, I felt the best I had in a long
long time. I was walking because I loved it. Eating food that made me feel good
and reading books that fed my soul. The
scale didn’t budge but I was getting better and feeling better daily. In my
body, my mind and my soul. Life was going really great but despite everything I
did to feel good, I continued to drink. I couldn’t seem to give up alcohol for more
than 30 days. What would I do without it? How would I have fun? How would I
meet people? Oh alcohol….
Alcohol with its false sense of confidence and fun. It was
the friend that remained constant while I was challenging myself daily to feel
better and it remained my friend when I was hiding away and feeling sorry for
myself. Being alone and single, alcohol gave me a reason to go out alone.
Sitting at a bar drinking wasn’t lonely right? I was surrounded by people.
People I knew, people I just met and people I didn’t know. Truthfully, it was
the loneliest place to be in the world.
In a world that is alcohol obsessed it can be difficult to
make that decision to not drink. Not only do you have your own thoughts to deal
with, you also have the opinions of friends, family and sadly strangers to give
you their 2 cents on the subject. I keep saying this, but alcohol is the only
drug that you have to justify NOT doing. I could be making meth in my bathtub
and want to quit, and everyone would be happy for me but quit drinking…it’s a
different story. Thankfully I have quite a lot of people in my corner this
time, cheering me on and a select few that have been absolutely supportive,
100% of the time. Thanks will never be enough but just know that I love and
appreciate you all more than I can say.
On August 11, 2019 I will be 6 months sober. I didn’t
consider myself an alcoholic, but I knew that I had an issue. When I would make
“rules” around my drinking I realized that maybe some changes needed to be
made. I hoped it would be moderation but after my birthday and the world’s
worst hangover, I knew I needed to quit. I knew as I was laying in bed so sick
that it took all my energy just to let my dogs out. When I was kneeling in
front of my toilet, 12 hours after my last drink, making myself throw up so I
would feel better and as 4 days passed and I still felt like crap, I knew. I’m so incredibly thankful though that I
didn’t have to hit rock bottom or worse, I didn’t hurt or kill someone or
myself by driving drunk.
That’s where my mind always goes. I think about all the
times I drove drunk, thinking I was OK to drive. I get tears in my eyes when I
think about what could’ve happened. Lives that could’ve been forever changed by
my decisions to drive. I will be eternally grateful that nothing ever happened.
I’m grateful that I don’t wake up with hangovers anymore. I don’t have any
anxiety or guilt about what I said, did or texted the night before and that
every decision I have made in the past 6 months have been 100% mine with a
clear mind. There is honestly so much that I am grateful for by not drinking.
The things that I thought I would miss, I don’t miss. Those things are just
different now. I am different now.
I may be more of a home body and I’ll leave places early. I may
not be as outgoing or quick to talk to strangers. I may avoid situations all
together now but all of this if OK. There comes a time in all of our lives that
we need to be true to ourselves and stop worrying so much about others think of
us. We need to take care of ourselves. We only have one life to live and I
don’t want to live that life in as alcohol induced state where I am missing out
on the best moments of life. I can’t remember my nephew’s 1st
birthday because I was drunk. This breaks my heart on so many levels. There are
hundreds, if not thousands, of special events, conversations and moments that I
don’t remember. So much time wasted being wasted. I think that sobriety is
scary for many. Too many emotions and feelings to deal with. Sadly alcohol
doesn’t get rid of them. It postpones them and in a lot of cases, makes them
worse. I know it did for me. No more of that in my life. I plan on being
present for all my best moments from here on out.
My plan going forward is to blog more, write more, walk
more, eat more plant based food and definitely read more books that feed my
soul. I plan on doing what is best for me regardless what people think. Because
after all, this is my life, my one life and I will live it on my terms and my
own way. I’m not saying this in a narcissistic way but in a lifesaving, and
life preserving way. So even though I have
been in a funk and having the world’s longest pity party, life without alcohol has
been extremely good for me and I don’t regret one second of my new sober
life.
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